I was unprepared to the extent and depth of the mother-in-law (MIL) and daughter-in-law (DIL) conflict until I had my very own personal experience with it.
Why is there so much angst in this one specific relationship dynamic?
The Most Common Underlying Cause of this Age-old Conflict
There are many stages of a woman’s life. One of the most difficult transitions can be when a mother becomes an empty nester. Next her son marries and starts a family of his own.
A mother can struggle with the new dynamic. She may have a hard time accepting that she is getting older.
Her dominant and leading role in the family will shift and she will not surrender to that.
There is now a younger woman, her daughter-in-law who is eager to embark on her married life and step into the same role the mother-in-law had and relished for decades.
Daughter-in-law’s vision of how her married life will look is probably like the one MIL had years ago when she got married. The DIL is full of hopes and dreams for her future.
So, what could go wrong? How could a daughter-in-law’s dreams somehow turn into a battleground with her mother-in-law??
It seems universal that some mothers have an awfully hard time “letting go” and allowing their adult sons to prioritize their wife and marriage ahead of her needs.
A mother can also struggle with not being “needed” as she once was.
Instead of gracefully accepting this fact of life, even if it is hard to do. A mother-in-law can become very territorial of her “primary” role in the family.
MIL does want to switch to a “support” role. She will not let herself be secondary.
It can become an uncontrollable reflex for MIL to continually assert her authority and constantly overstep to the dismay of her daughter-in-law.
The Meddling, Controlling, and Demanding Mother-in-law
The MIL who does not want to be in a peripheral role often behaves in ways that are meddling, intrusive, and controlling to the daughter-in-law and her son’s marriage. This can result in a real power struggle and tug of war between MIL and DIL.
To all those mothers-in-law who are guilty of this behavior, life would be so much healthier and sweeter if you respect that DIL is now the queen of her household (the same way you were for your household).
Please stop yourself from the constant wrestling over influence and supremacy. Instead use your energy in a positive way and gracefully support your daughter-in-law. This will alleviate the conflict and tension.
The mother-in-law and elder woman has a moral duty to not create conflict within her dear son’s marriage. AMEN TO THAT!
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