It can be REALLY HARD if you have a spouse whose loyalties are constantly divided between you and his mother/father (family of origin).
Technically this should never be an issue, you love your husband, and you love your parents. There is no conflict!
Why would your husband be in the position where he constantly must choose one over the other?
Advice Parents “SHOULD” Follow with their Adult Children!
I heard this one piece of advice from a mother (now grandmother) with grown kids. Remember that your adult child now has a spouse, a family of their own (kids), a job and are juggling all of these things that are of highest priority. So instead of being DEMANDING, be UNDERSTANDING of that.
Never make your adult son/daughter choose between what you want (e.g., more time, more visits, more holidays, more everything!!) and what they need to do for their spouse/marriage/family/job etc. This is part of the “leave and cleave” that must happen in marriage!
This sounds so logical, but some parents really struggle with this. As a result, your spouse is miserably stuck in the middle of the tug-of-war between pleasing his parents and pleasing his wife/marriage.
Parental Guilt Trip & Emotional Manipulation
It is also hard if your spouse’s parents know how to easily manipulate their adult child. They know just how to pull at the heartstrings of your spouse, and it always works! Your spouse ends up feeling like he is being a bad son if he does not give into what his parents want.
This is horrible and sad for your husband to always have to deal with.
It is also incredibly challenging as “their spouse” to constantly have this endless conflict in your marriage.
Tips for when your Husband’s Loyalties are Divided
✔ Keep working on this with your husband. You really have no other choice unless you can “accept” this dysfunctional dynamic.
✔ Help him clearly “see” what is going on and how it is damaging your marriage relationship.
✔ Remind him of your wedding vows and what the commitment to marriage means. The vows are not a triangle between three: you, him, and his parent’s wants/needs!
Guiding Principle for Marriage
As hard as it is to stop this entrenched family of origin tug-of-war, your husband eventually must decide that the guiding principle in a happy marriage is:
“Do not say no to your wife, so you can say yes to your parents (at your wife’s expense!!)’’.
Do you have a spouse that is stuck in the loyalty tug-of-war?
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