So, what do you do if as a mother you find yourself with toxic grandparents who act like “mama bear” and “papa bear” and it is really upsetting you??? I unexpectedly had this happen to me when I became a mother, and I learned a lot on this topic…
A sweet new baby can bring out the dark side: Competitive and Controlling Grandparents!
First, long before I became a mother, I knew firsthand what an exciting time a new baby’s arrival into the family was when I became an aunt for the first time. It was such a joyful time and one of the most amazing things was watching my parents become grandparents.
When it was my turn, I expected the same joyful experience for both my parents and my spouse’s parents. I was happy and grateful to have both sets of grandparents come to the hospital and meet the new addition to the family!
While on the surface love was oozing everywhere for the new baby, I soon began to realize this was not turning into a magical fairy-tale grandparent situation.
I fully understood the strong desire to want to see the little one as much as you can (I felt this when I was an aunt and knew my parents as grandparents felt the same), but I knew enough to respect my sister and her family that they determine the time not me.
I also knew instinctively to stay in my own box. Mothers have every right to “own” their #1 mama role. No one should ever try to take that from the mother (or the father)!
In some families some lanes do get blurred. That is completely fine if the mother and father are ok with that.
When Narcissistic Grandma wants, acts, and expects to be “MAMA” (and Grandpa undermines too)!!
What generally is off-putting is for grandparents to automatically expect and act entitled to be in the hands-on “mama” and “papa” role and consider anything less than that expectation as complete deprivation.
I learned the hard way it is not all rainbows and innocence for some grandparents and a lot of other darker emotions can come into play.
Some grandparents who are used to being in the driver seat and dominating, there can be real battles ahead where they act competitive, controlling, and overly possessive. The whole experience can sadly turn into a real battleground.. Oh my!
So, what can the mother (or father) do about overbearing, overstepping, entitled grandparents..?
Start Communication about Expectations Early (to mitigate conflict)
The best advice (I wish I had known to do this) is to start having conversations about expectations with your spouse early before the baby arrives. Then make sure the expectations are communicated to the grandparents. Hopefully, this will help eliminate some of the potential areas for conflict.
As a new mother, taking care of your new baby should be the number one area of concern. Not dealing with grandparent drama!!
Of course, your expectations/needs can change after the baby arrives and that is ok, you are just being prepared. I cannot say this enough the sooner you set and communicate expectations the better!!
After the baby arrives…most parents of course want and cherish having grandparents in their lives, but they generally do not want their roles and responsibilities usurped and that is where the problems can arise.
Listen to your “Mother” Instincts and Speak up
If you feel yourself being engaged in a power struggle with a grandparent, speak up.
If a grandparent disregards you and uses the defense, we just love the baby sooo much that we need and want to be included and involved (in everything!!). You can communicate that while they may see themselves as being loving or helpful it can also come across as controlling, possessive, and intrusive…
You need to listen to your “mother” instincts and let it guide you. The rule is you are now the parent of your child. If something does not feel right and if behavior feels really icky, you can decide what is acceptable and not and speak up.
The general rule of thumb is to speak to your spouse first and let them speak to his/her parents. If that does not work, you can try speaking to them directly.
As someone who hates conflict, this was hard for me, but it is a must. You are the mother. If behavior is hurting you or causing you emotional distress, you need to communicate that.
If the offending grandparents are understanding and well meaning, they will hopefully listen, feel bad, and do everything to make amends and adjust their behavior. Consider yourself lucky if you have that type!
Dealing with Narcissistic Toxic Grandparents
If you are dealing with the narcissistic, entitled personality type, then do not expect them to ever acknowledge any wrongdoing or make any changes to their behavior. You can expect them to act like they are the victims while you will be painted as the bad daughter-in-law. They will also continue to act in ways to disrespect you.
Boundaries are necessary and what to expect when you set them
If this becomes detrimental to your emotional wellbeing, it is vital to put in the appropriate boundaries to protect and safeguard yourself.
You can expect toxic grandparents to not respect the boundaries that are put in place. Be careful to not give in no matter how big a guilt trip or how much they try to manipulate you.
A toxic grandparent will stomp all over boundaries at your expense. It may feel like you are dealing with a misbehaving toddler always trying to get out of any limits set. But for some when you give an inch, they will always take a mile…
Have a strong support system
Lastly, I recommend having a strong support system if you are having difficulty coping with this challenging situation. Stay Strong MAMAS!!!
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