The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is notoriously tricky to navigate, but if you have a narcissistic mother-in-law (MIL) it can make the situation downright the worst!
So how do you know if you have a narcissist mother-in-law? Here are 9 telltale signs of the toxic traits:
1. COMPETITIVE
Is your MIL competitive with you? Does she need to be the “star” and “leading lady” whenever you are in her presence?
Does she need to show her superiority and dominance with everything including her son (your husband), her home (anything household related), her food, her grandchild, her parenting, her holidays!
Does it feel like every interaction with her is based on an underpinning competition or one-upmanship?
She NEEDS to be #1 to feed her self-esteem and sense of self-worth even if this behavior creates tension and hurt with her daughter-in-law.
Everything is a battle with her and she must always be on top!
2. EXCESSIVE NEED FOR ATTENTION
Does she need all the attention and spotlight constantly on her? Is she only happy when she receives all the admiration?
She MUST be #1 even though her grown son is now married with a wife.
She will not stop herself from constantly inserting herself and making everything about herself.
3. OBSESSED WITH STATUS & APPEARANCE
Is she obsessed with her appearance? She will not let herself look or act old.
She is overly preoccupied with her image.
She needs to be the “most loved” and the one who does all the “nice” things in the family so she can get all the praise and admiration that she desperately craves.
4. ENTITLEMENT
Would she ever think to ask her daughter-in-law if it is ok before she completely oversteps on ALL things including your wedding, your married life, your children, your hopes, your dreams? Instead, it is all about her sense of ‘entitlement’. It is never about what her daughter-in-law desires.
She acts entitled to be the leading lady from the start of your married life.
She feels entitled to be “actively involved” in your life on her terms.
She acts entitled to be a second turn “mama” to her grandchild. She will never respect the facts of life that it is her daughter-in-law’s turn to be the #1 mama now (not hers again).
She acts like she has ‘rights’ to all of this with no thought how her ‘entitled’ behavior impacts her daughter-in-law and son’s marriage.
5. MANIPULATION
Is she a master manipulator? When you first met her, did she say all the right things and on the surface seem too good to be true?
Only as you got to know her, you realize her fake “charm” is used as a means to manipulate you to get what she wants.
6. NO ACCOUNTABILITY (EVER!)
Does she have the ability to be accountable for her actions? Does she “own” her sh*t? Or will she never acknowledge anything she does wrong?
She thinks she is the most wonderful and cannot humble herself and dare admit wrong doing. There is too much shame in that.
She will not take responsibility for any of the really bad mother-in-law behavior she is repeatedly guilty of doing to her daughter-in-law and son’s marriage.
She will also never do the self-analysis on her behavior. She will never take responsibility to do the inner work. She will never own that her never-ending narcissistic behavior was complete self-sabotage in her relationship with her daughter-in-law.
7. LACKS SELF-AWARENESS & BLAME SHIFTS
Has she ever apologized to you for how her ongoing selfish behavior deeply hurts you and causes damage to your marriage? Or does she blame shift everything and act like she is an innocent victim.
She may have broken so many “rules” that a mother-in-law SHOULD NEVER do, but she will invalidate your entire experience/feelings and turn it all around like she is the true victim.
A narcissist will never be introspective and self-aware. She will never look back at her behavior and apologize for all the hurt she caused.
8. LACK OF REMORSE OR EMPATHY
If you raise concerns about her intrusive, overstepping, or self-aggrandizing behavior, does she have the ability to see herself from her daughter-in-law’s perspective?
She will never be able to see things from her daughter-in-law’s shoes. She will never have that a-ha moment and show remorse and admit that she would have absolutely hated her behavior if she was the daughter-in-law.
9. 100 % SELF-SERVING
It is ALWAYS about her needs, wants, and expectations. You can spend your entire marriage talking to your spouse about everything his mother “needs” to be happy.
She does not care at all the pain she causes her daughter-in-law and son’s marriage due to her own selfish narcissistic ways.
Her main focus is on herself (it is ME, ME, ME) and all about ‘her expectations’. She will use her son’s marriage to get her narcissistic needs met at the expense of the health of his marriage.
This article was inspired by my personal experience dealing with a narcissist mother-in-law (and the torment from it!). If you are dealing with one too, please share your story/vent or visit our message boards.