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In-Law ForumIn-Laws: Mother-in-lawsMIL "visit"

MIL "visit"

#1 · July 18, 2022, 4:41 pm

Quote from Guest on July 18, 2022, 4:41 pm
Just looking for a safe space to vent. My MIL, who lives with her sister on the other coast, was coming for a 2 week visit on June 25th. AFTER the 1st week was up, DH called his aunt to find out the return flight info (my MIL is not mentally competent and has been diagnosed with early stages of dementia along with being barely ambulatory, which is why she lives with her sister) only to find out the plan was for her to stay until September. WHAT?? Nobody asked us if this was ok, no one mentioned it at all. I just lost my job of 34 years in the middle of June, so the 2 weeks visit was timed well. I would wait until she left to start another job and be at home to assist her. We live in a tri level and she can't manage the stairs alone. There is no bathroom on the living level so if she chooses to come down in the morning, she must go up to use the bathroom. Instead of saying "hey I need to go" WHEN the urge first strikes, she waits. And waits. And then finally when she says I need to go, she's already pooped herself. She does realize that she needs to go (she doesn't do this when it's her and DH). I watch her constantly fir signs and can and tell. So I ask repeatedly. She repeatedly says not yet. Always waiting until after the fact. My living room chair is ruined from her poop (and spilling food because she " can't make it to the table" to eat). Im sure the chair in the guest room is ruined too. Two more expenses we can't afford right now.

I can't get anything accomplished for her treating me like her personal servant. Bring me, I need you, complaining about everything. On weekends I hide out and leave my DH to deal with her.

I'm losing my mind. I'm not the maternal type, I don't play nurse well. I didn't sign up for this. I'm afraid if she stays until September, I may leave until she goes.

Not to mention I can't afford to not work for months. So when I start back to work, she'll be here alone all day. She'll have to stay upstairs to have bathroom access. And we'll have to leave a cooler upstairs for her.

As I sit here typing she's staring at me. It's creepy and unsettling. She's always staring at me when she thinks I'm don't see her.

Just looking for a safe space to vent. My MIL, who lives with her sister on the other coast, was coming for a 2 week visit on June 25th. AFTER the 1st week was up, DH called his aunt to find out the return flight info (my MIL is not mentally competent and has been diagnosed with early stages of dementia along with being barely ambulatory, which is why she lives with her sister) only to find out the plan was for her to stay until September. WHAT?? Nobody asked us if this was ok, no one mentioned it at all. I just lost my job of 34 years in the middle of June, so the 2 weeks visit was timed well. I would wait until she left to start another job and be at home to assist her. We live in a tri level and she can't manage the stairs alone. There is no bathroom on the living level so if she chooses to come down in the morning, she must go up to use the bathroom. Instead of saying "hey I need to go" WHEN the urge first strikes, she waits. And waits. And then finally when she says I need to go, she's already pooped herself. She does realize that she needs to go (she doesn't do this when it's her and DH). I watch her constantly fir signs and can and tell. So I ask repeatedly. She repeatedly says not yet. Always waiting until after the fact. My living room chair is ruined from her poop (and spilling food because she " can't make it to the table" to eat). Im sure the chair in the guest room is ruined too. Two more expenses we can't afford right now.

I can't get anything accomplished for her treating me like her personal servant. Bring me, I need you, complaining about everything. On weekends I hide out and leave my DH to deal with her.

I'm losing my mind. I'm not the maternal type, I don't play nurse well. I didn't sign up for this. I'm afraid if she stays until September, I may leave until she goes.

Not to mention I can't afford to not work for months. So when I start back to work, she'll be here alone all day. She'll have to stay upstairs to have bathroom access. And we'll have to leave a cooler upstairs for her.

As I sit here typing she's staring at me. It's creepy and unsettling. She's always staring at me when she thinks I'm don't see her.

#2 · August 9, 2022, 2:23 pm

Thanks for venting and sharing here..

#3 · February 20, 2023, 3:44 pm

I'm a guy and have massive problems with my MIL. My wife and I have been happily married for 9 years, and have 12 year old twin boys. MIL used t come to our house the they were younger to help care for them (and was paid) - and used the time to search through my things and gossip with anyone who would listen about my salary and finances. She rarely comes to the house now but has recently asked my sons to find out how much I earn and let her know. Top that with the frequent comparisons to my educational achievements compared to my wife and her other children, and criticism of me, and lies to anyone who will listen - I'm at the end of my tether.

To add some context - she has a habit of moving house regularly and when moving I have always been there to assist with the move - renting packing and driving vans, unloading at the other end etc... Her other children's partners have never helped, just me.

After 'turning the other cheek' for nearly 15 years and I have now blocked email, phone, Facebook etc. and plan to simply distance myself from her. Does anyone have any advice for a different way to deal with this situation. I've already decided that if the children return from half term at her house (at her request), with tales of me being badmouthed again and asking to spy and provide information to her - that I will then prevent her from seeing or speaking to them again (that may seem a string thing to do but I feel that this manipulation is a form of child abuse)

#4 · April 2, 2023, 6:08 am

You have to learn how to say NO, or That's not going to work for me. You don't need to be her slave.

#5 · April 2, 2023, 6:40 am

Also, to the husband above: Absolutely get your kids away from that woman if she is pulling that kind of manipulative BS with them. That's the beginning of parental alienation...and I know of what I speak. My ex-husband (and others on that side) planted seeds with the child we share together for years. Once she turned 18 he finished the job and completely turned her against me and she hasn't spoken to me in 5 years now. If I were you, I would be incredibly protective of your children and the relationship you have with them.

I know my child has some mental health issues that my ex is taking advantage of. It's not her fault, and now she is living her life without a mother who absolutely adores her, who always supported her and cheered her on no matter what. Parental alienation is insidious and tears families apart. Be very careful, it's no joke and you could one day lose a child from your life if you allow others to poison your children against you.