Dealing with your in-laws can be a source of major stress in your marriage. Trust me, I know firsthand. I have experienced in-law stress that has been through the Richter scale.
Here are 5 tips for how to handle the stress…
1. Identify what is causing you the stress
You need to spend time to pinpoint exactly what about your in-laws is causing you stress. You must get to the root cause of the stress.
✔ WHAT are the specific situations, behaviors that cause you stress?
✔ WHY does their behavior/the situation trigger a stress response in you?
✔ HOW OFTEN does the stressful event occur? Is it daily and ongoing, only at holidays, or somewhere in between?
Drill down to get to the bottom of it.
The second part of this exercise is to assess how your spouse handles it.
✔ Are you able to have honest conversations about what is causing you stress, or does it turn into a heated argument? Then, that becomes an additional source of stress.
2. Communicate with your spouse effectively
Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and why it is important to you. An in-law problem is a marriage problem. Your spouse will play a key part in just how stressful things can be.
What kind of spouse do you have?
If you have one that is: understanding, gets it, sees it, supports you, and rolls up their sleeves to problem solve as a team with you. Consider yourself lucky!
However, if you have the type who is not understanding and is defensive. The conversations become arguments or even worse he stonewalls or gaslights you. Then take a very deep breath to let out the frustration!
One key thing when talking to your spouse is your tone is especially important.
Always try to keep your tone as neutral and calm as possible. Now I realize this can be hard because it is an emotionally charged issue, but if you can keep your cool and say Honey, I need you to hear me. This is important to me and then share the reasons why this is causing you stress.
3. Be proactive in finding solutions to minimize the stress
After you have done the work in #1 of identifying the root cause of the stress. Then you need to plan how you can mitigate it. Come up with strategies to deal with all the ways your in-laws cause you stress. You need to move from reactive to a proactive action plan. The goal is protecting the well-being of yourself and your marriage.
Here are some examples:
✔ If certain topics of conversation are hot buttons with your in-laws, then be prepared to avoid those topics at all costs.
✔ If your mother-in-law needs to dominate when in your presence, then work on ways you can be more assertive when around her.
✔ If the frequency of the visits is too overwhelming, then come up with a schedule with your husband that is less invasive.
You also need to accept the reality that it is unlikely your in-laws will ever make any changes to their behavior which of course would be the ideal solution. Your goal is to get the situation to “bearable” as you need to accept the situation will never be anywhere near perfect or completely stress-free. This is especially true if are dealing with toxic narcissistic in-laws.
4. Practice self-care: You must take care of yourself!
The toll of the stress your in-laws can put on you and your marriage needs to be balanced with self-care. Once you have done all the work above, now focus on keeping your mind off it.
Everyone has different ways to take care of themselves. You find what works best for you. “Distraction” can be key.
Also, if you know you have an in-law visit coming up that will trigger your stress, do not feel like you must be a martyr. It is ok to acknowledge I need to take extra care before and after the visit. Book a massage, take a yoga class, meditate, do anything that relaxes you!!
5. Have a support system
Make sure you have a strong support system to help you through the in-law stress. If you do not have one, work towards building one. It is great to have understanding friends who you can vent to. If you are really struggling, professional therapy can be beneficial in helping you. You are not alone, stay strong!
