I must be honest before I got married, I was not familiar with the term “leave and cleave”. I discovered it when I knew there was something not right in my marriage. I needed to figure out what was going on that felt terribly wrong.
It was a light-bulb moment when I read about leave and cleave… aha!.. this did not happen when I got married with my spouse and his parents!
What does Leave & Cleave mean?
So, what does leave and cleave mean and why is it so important for a successful and healthy marriage?
The term leave and cleave is from the bible, but this has nothing to do with religion, it is common sense. The Hebrew words used in Genesis 2:24, which states that a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave (join, unite) to his wife…
When one spouse has difficulties with Leave & Cleave
For me, to leave and cleave was easy-peasy.
I went off to college after high school, lived at home briefly after I graduated. Then I moved to the city and lived there independently on my own before I eventually got married.
Even though I remain super close to my family and a day does not go by where I do not speak to my mom. I had physically and emotionally left my parents home a long time before I became a wife. Thankfully, my parents also fully supported and respected that (even if it was hard for them).
This was the opposite for my spouse and his parents. As a result, it has been a long arduous eight-year journey in our marriage to get to where we are today. At times, it remains a struggle due to my spouse’s self-serving parents (SIGH).
The deeper meaning of Leave & Cleave
To delve into the meaning of leave and cleave further, you actually can start at the wedding. The symbolic tradition when the bride is walked down the aisle and is ‘given away’. This act is a way to show support for this next chapter in life as she joins her groom to exchange their marriage vows..
As an adult you are now leaving the family that raised you and forming a new union and independent family unit with your spouse.
It obviously does not mean that you end your relationship with your family of origin or that you no longer love your parents. However, it does mean that your new family unit formed with your spouse becomes your highest priority relationship. Your primary allegiance is now to your spouse.
What does Leave & Cleave require?
Leave and cleave requires two things: #1 your spouse must be willing and #2 their family of origin has to be willing to let him/her go into this next phase of adult married life.
The relationships with your family of origin continue lovingly but are healthfully realigned. The old parent-child relationship is redefined to a healthy parent to adult child relationship.
This process can be harder for some than others, but it needs to happen for the foundational requirements of a healthy and successful marriage. If it does not happen, you can expect problems in your marriage and conflict with your spouse’s parents..
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels
You and your spouse are on the same TEAM now!
One final note, if there is a leave and cleave issue in your marriage, remember that you and your spouse are on the same team now (i.e., Team Protect Your Marriage). You must get on the same page and always be a united front if a parent violates it.
